D is for...

(sorry Judy -i stole your theme!)
D is for depression. I am finally just owning up to it. I suffer from depression. It has been a chronic problem, but episodic. I certainly have a genetic predisposition-all members of my immediate family have been on meds for OCD or depression. I poo-poohed prescription meds; didn't need them-not me! My thought was if your life was so off kilter that you shouldn't be medicated into submisssion-fix the problem (lifestyle, stress, etc) not the symptom (depression). Sort of like having to give confinement animals antibiotics to survive the horrid living conditions. Probably not a very PC way to think. I mean we are being taught that depression is a 'real' disease, just as real as diabetes or heart disease, right?
But here I was living the life of my dreams and I didnt want to get out of bed, I didnt want to do anything except eat sweets and sleep. Stupid chickens, stupid pigs, stupid kids-what do you want from me- just LEAVE ME ALONE! Wow.
I have a theory about my depression. Yes it is 'real', but like diabetes and like heart disease there are things I can do to lessen my likelihood of disease. I believe my fragile brain chemistry is strongly affected by what I eat. This is sort of a 'chicken or the egg' thing for me. Are uncontrolled sweet cravings a cause or an effect of my depression? I am choosing to believe that I have some control over this situation and if I can restrict my carb intake (especially at the beginnings of my period) that my brain chemistry will be more stable. I have given myself a month to work on the problem in my own way. If I am not successful I will seek professional help and a rx.
This is what I am doing: omega 3 FA supplements, St Johns Wort and siberian ginseng. The first 2 have beed shown helpful in treating depression, ginseng for a self-diagnosed qi deficiency. I am also being careful about carbs. The paleo-diets are attractive to me intellectually but very difficult in practice-i dont know what to eat if not bread, pasta, potatoes. Equally important for me is to stop my procrastinating ways; pay bills on time, etc. to reduce that internal stress- i usually have a dozen things in my head to feel 'guilty' about because I havent done them yet. Most are small easily remedied things. My plan for this week is to write them out and remove them from the internal chatter.

The Wall

...I have hit it and hit it hard! I have gone from suburban professional to local food producer and i know now that i have stepped out of the frying pan and into the fire!! We just rounded up our 75 meat birds and taken them to the processor, the 12 pigs have only 5 weeks left with us, the second batch of meat birds are in the brooder-2 1/2 weeks until they go out on grass. My 8 layers are reliably giving us 3 1/2 dozen eggs per week and there are 25 baby layers growing up in their tractor on pasture. The three calves are trimming the pasture down nicely and are VERY low maintenance. My (human) girls are in piano lessons with a flurry of ortho and MD apts coming up. My garden is growing like crazy- we have had lots of rain and heat- i can almost find the cukes between all the pigweed :). Dad has been wondering if I will come over to pick raspberries- and i really want to but... I.CANT.DO.THIS.ANYMORE!!! I (mistakenly, naively thought staying home would be bucolic, idyllic, just like all these other blogs I read) Not so much.
If we are to be a income producing farm, I need to do something much much differently. Or I need to just be a homesteader and produce enough for my family. I cannot farm like a hobbyist.
I love love love it out here. I love caring for these creatures. I love seeing animals acting as nature intended. I just cant do it for 12 hrs a day 7 days a weeks, etc etc.
balance balance balance- i'll let you know when i find it!

Couple Quotes

This deficit stuff is getting to me, I have no faith in our elected leaders. I have some mature savings bonds I have been hanging onto. I will be cashing them in next week and using the proceeds to buy a pressure canner. I have more confidence in my garden and myself than in my govt.

"When you see that in order to produce, you need to obtain permission from men who produce nothing; when you see that money is flowing to those who deal not in goods, but in favors; when you see that men get rich more easily by graft than by work, and your laws no longer protect you against them, but protect them against you… you may know that your society is doomed."
–Ayn Rand

"I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they will be happy."

- Thomas Jefferson

It's All Just Stuff

I was working with my sister today to clean Mom's house. I was thinking about what a person leaves behind after they leave this life, it is such a nebulous thing. I wish I were a more eloquent writer...I cannot explain, but I was left with the resolution to DO more to positively affect people and acquire LESS stuff. The stuff does not last; it ends up getting sold off or boxed up and given to charity. It is the things we do for other which are lasting. An individuals actions ripple, echo and spread in ways which are truly lasting.

Those Damn Hens!!

Spring is really here! A whole weekend of 60's. Enough sun to pink my cheeks and make me a REAL red neck! The hens are really enjoying the grass and bugs as well-they have freee range of our place during daylight. They also helped themselves to a tasty salad consisting of my pepper and tomato seedlings! In hind sight it was not a great idea -but i thought i would treat the tiny seedings to some out-of-doors, you know just an hour of cloudy afternoon. I came around the corner of the house to find the birds having a snack!! Uggh, some of the tomatoes will survive but every pepper was nipped off. Now this is Northern WI and I still have time before anything can safely go out--time to start some more seeds tomorrow :)