Funk

*** Nothing to see here folks just some blog venting instead of seeking professional help-ha***

I am in a funk (again), this is such a recurrent theme for me. I'm up, I'm down; repeat weekly, daily, even hourly. While this is a pretty normal thing for me,this yo-yoing up and down feels like it has been increasing in amplitude over the past few (years?)(months?).
A few contributing factors:
*Realizing that I don't like being the boss. I'm an indian not a chief-or maybe it would be better if I was the chief of a smaller tribe :). Sorry not a very PC metaphor but it's all I got. Our clinic is growing and profitable but I do not feel connecting to it -it makes me tired and pays the bills. Although I do enjoy being 'somebody' in the community.
*I think I may be in pre-menopause. I have begun getting my period every 2 1/2 -3 weeks. Yuck. Along with the 'get out of my way I am having sugar RIGHT NOW' which accompanies above mentioned period. I will go in for my annual exam -i am overdue (by about 12 months!)
*Then there is the moving/lifestyle change we are attempting. Really won't it be the same lifestyle just with a longer commute, a new school district, and fewer neighbors/resources to draw from. I am seeing that our vision for this place hinges on one of us being home alot, can we afford that? What if our house doesn't sell, how long can we pay two mortgages (indefinitely-IF i work more-but that isn't the point).

I am being whiny and scared but this is REAL, not one of those glossy pie in the sky blogs. And I am a REAL person- not super mom, veterinarian of the year, blah blah blah.

Some pictures to make me smile and remember what this is all about:








It's working -feeling better already. These are all pictures of the things which are most important in my life. That is the hopefull idea I will hold on to, which will give my the courage to go forward and be brave!
Peace
Kris

Real Food Safety

(Just a random-real food picture. I've got summer on the brain)


We watched Food, Inc this weekend. I have to say I was not that impressed. For someone who has read a couple of Salatin's books and Micheal Pollin's work-it was all old hat. Intersting that it was rated R. My Dad and sister were concerned that I was allowing my 11 and 7 year old to watch-but the old R stuff was what happens inside the meat processing plants. I don't consider that R rated-just real life.

A more moving video was Life According to Monsanto. It literally blew me away. If Monsanto is half as evil as this producer make them out to be...first it made me want to cry and then made me so mad-mad at multinationals who place profit above humanity, mad at our government who is supposed to be there for US but is instead placing the fox in charge of the hen-house. 90% of our soybeans are now GMO 'round-up ready' and 70% of the processed food in your grocery store contains GMO food ingrediants-with no labeling and no real safety testing. I am seeing red just thinking about it.

In other fun news, we helped my DH's gandfather celebrate his 100th birthday today. His kids threw him a big party. He is amazing; still living in his own home, cooking for himself, doing his own laundry, no walker or wheelchair. Happy birthday grandpa Carl!

Extreme Gardening

Extreme, as in extremely late! The combination of schedule, wet weather and long distance gardening has resulted in a very neglected garden. I haven't been back since my last collection of produce around the first hard frost. Yesterday was clear, we were available and winter will be upon us soon. Time to git er done! I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by the size of the job and the two inches of snow which had fallen overnight! But the sun eventually peeked out, we had the first snow ball fight of the year and I had some helpers as you can see! I removed cartloads of slimy tomato plants, swiss chard (note to self- still looking good after repeated freezes), corn stalks, a couple of forgotten mouse chewed turnips and other large vegetation. The girls loved swinging the machete and jumping on the few squishy pumpkins, they also had a short game of batting practice with some immature squash! It was muddy, cold work. (Second note to self- pull this stuff out before it gets slimy--gross) I was unsure about how to go about putting the garden 'to bed' for the winter. Although this is a temporary garden for me-hopefully I will use it only one more year before having my own (!!!)- I wanted to try a no till method. I have 6 beds of 3x15 feet in addition to a 2 foot bed all along the outside fence, then three larger areas where I planted potatoes, winter squash and tomatoes this year. I did not plan to till the 6 beds- I wanted to treat them like permanent beds. What I did this fall was to pull out the large woody plant material, spread a 6-10 inch layer of mowed leaves/grass over the bed and turned it into the soil with a fork, about 6 inches deep. My rationale was to incorporated the organic matter into the deeper layers of soil and give the worms some time this fall and again next spring time to work on it. The soil in this part of the county in very clay-like. I did manage to get 4/6 beds handled in this way. I will try to get back out again to put more leaves on the other two but NOT turn it in- maybe I will not notice a difference and won't have to work so hard! :) Three of six done! The tomato waste yard-makes me very sad, but think of all those heirloom volunteers next year!

Tom spent a good long time in the woods recharging his batteries, scouting a location for his deer stand. He was happy about the snow fall and was able to track several groups of deer-his tally was 2 grouse, 6 wood cocks, and 5 deer sighted-pretty good for one morning! Then we had some time to play too-the girls headed to the slough to play in puddles. (I just sat on a rock-too tired to move!) They created paths and made snowballs to float in the water, oops water goes over the tops of boots! Thank goodness I know these girls and have extras packed for the ride home! Snow ball incoming!! This video makes me laugh...at the end you will clearly hear my 7 year old say 'Oh Shit', cracks me up every time.

A Sense of Place

Last week was the annual Johnson jam session. No music just lots of sugar, fruit and pectin. In years past we got together to pick strawberries in the morning then make freezer jam in the afternoon. This year it was harder to get together so we picked separately and froze the fruit.
On the way home from my Aunt's home we stopped at the little Lutheran church to show the girls where their great grandparents were laid to rest. Looking at the names and recognizing many from our family tree I was struck by such a sense of loss.
This little town is where relatives from Norway immigrated and settled. Like the bar 'Cheers'-Where everyone knows your name. I have many memories of that area from visiting grandparents and family reunions and lutefisk dinners and the stories which get passed down and embellished.
We drove away from that little town and I felt such a sense of loss. With very few exceptions, the kids and grand kids have moved away. We are spread out and rarely communicate. It makes me very sad to consider this happening to my family-even worse when I consider this has been happening to families all over our increasingly mobile society. Strangers among strangers. No sense of place, no sense of roots or home.
I reconsider our plans for moving-instead of moving 30 minutes west to be closer to my father we could move 30 minutes east to return to an area full of old memories. Living family members are better IMHO. We can never go back to the way things used to be. But I can be sure to take my kids back to the old swimming hole and keep those family stories alive.

A Close Call

I came very close to failing someone who is important to me.

My mother called me yesterday morning to say she wasn't feeling well enough to watch the girls. She thought she had overdone it in the yard; her ribs, lat and shoulder muscles hurt when she took a deep breath. But then she also said that she was having chills and sweats. She was going to see if her regular physician was available and if not take herself to the walk-in. Did she need help? No. -stubborn old lady :} I jumped into the shower running over the options-take the girls with me to work, call the other grandma, husband takes a half day. My initial reaction was very self centered-how will I deal with my babysitter not being available? It did NOT even occur to me that I should help her. But-didn't she seem a little fuzzy on the phone? Didn't she have a history of NOT asking for help? (runs in the family!)

I did pull my head out of my ass long enough to make arrangements for the girls AND myself. Took Mom to the walk-in and got her settled in at the ICU for potential bacterial pneumonia and sepsis. It's too soon to know for sure, but I think she is going to be okay.

When I think about what a close call yesterday morning was I get chills. My frenetic self-centered life came very close to hurting someone I love.