uggh

I want to vomit. I have too many things weighing on my mind. This is no way to live. The bank called yesterday about the construction loan. The assessor (appaiser?) valued our future home at $187,000. That is basically an evaluation of what our property would sell for in the current market. Problem is, the market here has really tanked. The bank will loan us 75% of the assessed value or $140,000. The estimates we have collected to build a 1400 sq foot house, 2 car garage, mound septic, well and to run electric out (1,000ft!) is 175,000. That is a big difference.
Do you remember that post about 'when i retire'...well we need to decide if that is all talk or will we put our money where our mouth is. Last night talking it over with DH and a bottle of wine it seemed pretty obvious- we do it, but I am worrying this thing to death (that's what i do). Time for a little yoga and then I will transplant my little tomatoes and see how things feel then.
Oh yeah, I also had a post on HWW about technoloy and commuting.-see side link to HWW

Scared-Addendum

The driveway

Yesterday was fun -tromping around in the mud, imagining the possibilities...but i am also scared sh@t-less! It's time to put my money where my mouth is-literally. The 20 acres passed the perc test -marginal- but a pass. So once I have the county's paperwork in hand (next week) we will take the plunge. I have butterflies! I am getting out of my comfort zone. Am I really going to follow my dreams and take responsibility for creating my own life vision? Yes, yes I am.
Time to start thinking about floor plans and farm layout. And of course continuing to save, save, save!

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Further thought on this subject...I have bundled all my anxiety about making fundamental changes into this land purchase. Buying and building -not such a big deal, moving family to the sticks -still not such a big deal, selling my share of the clinic and (while still working part-time) and turning away from a high cash flow lifestyle -well that is where things get a little dicey! The journey starts with a single step and we are taking a very sane approach to this. The point is happiness, security and sustainability. When we find our 'happy spot' we will know it!

Inadequate

The dream went like this...our staff being questioned by a panel, they are sitting in judgement. One of our employees says 'well ONE of our vets IS very good...' she then turns to me and says 'Dr Kris-you are very special too.' Geesh, feeling a little inadequate am I? I have been feeling out of place at work, like our clinic is headed in a direction I personaly do not want to go. We have some fairly new DVM's woking for us--super smart, very organized, current on all the new drugs and treatment protocols. But lacking in something-empathy? Experience? maybe lacking in nothing --just me wanting to feel like I have something to offer. I feel more and more like we are acting like MD's, ordering tests to be sure we cannot be accused of not practicing up to the 'standard of care', lots of Cover Your Ass. I AM burned out, I am not excited about learning new stuff right now. I need to get past this apathy.
I have been thinking alot about studying to become a certified (?) herbalist-is there some body who certifies herbalists? I guess I will find out.
I have been thinking alot about TEOTWAWKI, how will we heal ourselves when/if big pharma is not available or too expensive for most people - let alone pets. I love the idea of being able to combine things i enjoy. Growing things, creating a beautiful fertile space and helping people through caring for their animals.. Corney -possibly, okay very! This winter I am going to research my top 10 9or so) herbs to grow for healing (for myself and my family) if I enjoy it and make progress on learning in a none structured way -then i will allow my self to make the herbal DVM a goal instead of a daydream.



Thyme flowers

On Big Rocks and Small Potatoes

I've been pretty quiet for a few weeks. I have not been very good company for my family, my co-workers, my clients or my blogger friends. I had withdrawn into my protective shell and am now just starting to peek out. In the last 4 weeks I have re-read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and finished the entire Twilight series-that is what I do to escape and I have had it BAD lately. I look back and think -what a waste of time! But it was what I needed.

I've been thinking about big rocks. I have been scattered and not focused on the important things in my life. Tom and i attended a time management class a few years ago sponsered by Franklin Covey. The take home message was this: your time is finite, fill it with the most important things first, the not so important things can fit around the so called 'big rocks' like river sand. My big rocks are my children, my husband, my health. I realized my business is not even close to a big rock-so why am I filling my life with it? Now I need a job to make money just like anyone else, but this business takes up a disproportionate amount of my life. When I am not at work I am thinking about it (and resenting it). I plan to sell my portion of the clinic within the year. But first the exciting news...

After much soul searching, Tom and I have decided to place our house on the market. I hope to have it ready to show by June 1st. It looks like we will be able to buy the farm adjacent to my fathers place. It is a 100 yr old farmhouse which is partially remodeled, a nice barn (which will need some new roofing) and a bunch of out buildings which probably just need to be knocked down! She would like to sell 20 of her 40 acres (we want first dibs of the other 20). I am calm and happy about moving our family out there but a mess when considering getting our house ready to be looked at by strangers. I am paralyzed right now...where to start. It doesn't matter I just need to start!

My (very first) garden is going well, no great! Not that anything is really up, but it is so much fun! The girls and I planted potatoes last weekend (10 lbs of seed potatoes--caribe, rose gold, yukon gold and i think pink cloud), onion sets, spinach, beets, swiss chard and kolrabi and some peas are in. Today I am headed out with more lwn clippings for the walkways and to finish the garden gate. I will also finish the chicken tractor. This time I will remember to bring the camera so I can post some pictures.

Erin (the 11 yr old) will be in her first horse show this weekend. She rides saddle seat on one of the lesson horses both sat and sun. I am so proud of her! I was a horse crazy kid too, so I love being able to give her this experience.

Thanks for listening my heat feels lighter already!

(Christy -thanks for the great book review on 'One Second After'- scarey and totally plausable. It has me revisiting food storage and self reliancy in a less abstract way.)

Plans for tomorrow

I feel as though I have reconnected with old friends. I have been away from the computer for awhile but you guys are still here doing these great things, thoughtful commentary on our world, our culture and planning for spring. I can feel the warm sun and smell the dirt right off the monitor. It's good to be back! Tomorrow is my day off work and I am trying to group my thoughts and plans together. I want to try out this 5min no knead bread i have been hearing about-my family is pretty sick of my bread machine stuff! Drop off tax stuff to accountant. Continue to work on cleaning basement- my oldest's birthday is coming up and she is planning a sleepover party. I thought I would give the girls the basement-move the TV down there so they can watch a DVD and maybe use the craft area to made bracelets or something. So that means I/we need to transform my dumping ground into a happy space!

I am feeling a need to create art, so that will be on my list as well. Oh yes -grocery shop and meal plan for next week. We are supposed to get 4-8 inches of snow sometime tomorrow, I am hoping it holds off until later in the day.

As far as the yardstead goes....I talked to some one at the village about rules and regulations-well most certainly no poultry in the village! (I am even supposed to licence the rabbits! LOL! I'm breaking the law already) I wonder if I can convince anyone that a pygmy goat is a 'customary' pet, they are certainly less of a nuisance than an outside dog barking incessantly.

I am finding myself looking at parts of my yard, thinking grape vines here? Where do the raspberries go? How hard will it be to tear out these bushes and plant blueberries? I think part of my problem is that in a yard my failures will be very visible, but so will my successes. I am boldly going where I have never gone before! Thanks for being there ya'll.

Nothing to Fear...

I have been walking around for a whole week with a gnawing ache in my belly, a tight chest and a sense of panic. That feeling of a large important deadline approaching and an impossible number of minutia which must all be accounted for. Now this IS a somewhat normal state for me in short bursts, but prolonged anxiety is really not me.

I believe I am freaking out over the prospect of really truly taking the plunge into voluntary simplicity. It scares the shit out of me sometimes, and other times it seems like the most sane thing in the whole world. With all the negative vibes out there about the economy and TEOTWAWKI and VGD (very great depression-thankyou meadowlark) I must be insane to throw away my cushy income, right? Or not. I had a talk with my business partner yesterday, about my expectations and plans once we move, thinking that would alleviate some of this turmoil. Or not. It's like I'm talking a foreign language to her. I guess I am.

A lot of this goes back to my sheople problem, I've dreamed of escaping the herd, I have a very good plan, but am worried about the execution. BAAAH!
Kris

Just a post-script: After reading through about a week of missed favorite blogs and some reflection I have decided to view that pit in my stomach as something else--excitement. The difference between fear and excitement is just point of view and attitude! K

Closet pictures-creating space

These are before and after pictures of a closet we used throw crap into! It is over the stairs to the basement and is also the access to the roof space, so it is this funky little slanted 'crawl-in' closet. It looks like it was the favorite space for every child who ever lived in the house-there are all kinds of messages in marker and crayon written on the wood! perfect hideaway for kids, not great usable space for storage-but it is what I have so I will use it. Now I get to watch for good prices on flour, honey, beans etc. If (when!) I learn how to can I will use even more of this space. The space needed to be there before I could think about food storage. I get a little freaked out when I realize how fragile our food system is. I mean if grocery stores only have a few days of inventory on hand, what happens if...

Personal responsibility is taking on a whole new meaning for me. It's scary to think how dependent we all are. Kris

Confessions

Hi my name is Kris and suffer from affluenza. The first step is to admit you have a problem, right? I am a upper middle class, small business owner, overachieving, people pleasing, yes girl and it is killing me (really). I feel I have been awakening by degrees, but now I find myself here, awake and freaking out. This is not who I am, but it is. I have allowed this to become my life. No one is responsible but ME. So ME is responsible for moving in the direction my heart feels is right. There is a quote which I thought was sappy, dumb 'Be the change you wish to see in the world' . Well it is starting to make more sense to me now.

So do I do this in degrees? or take a polar plunge? Don't worry Mom and Dad :) I am not going to throw all this education away. I love being a veterinarian, it is what I was meant to do, it is my way of helping people and I am very good at it. But a business owner -no way-it is killing me! I cannot say no, and put work before family, self, EVERYTHING.

This is so very frightening -- to give up a business which is thriving and growing. It is my whole identity! (that is so sad). To give up this financial security -or at least the illusion of security in these times. Who am I to reject the 'american dream'?

I am the change I wish to see in this world-that is who I am. K