Finish What You Start

I have a problem finishing things. I love to see the possibilities in things. But sometimes when you finish they are crap; all possibility is gone, the potential is never realized.

This winter I began art lessons-one hour a week with my Mom. I am a pretty talented amateur artist in my medium of choice-charcoal. I have been wanting to try something with vibrant color, so we began working with oil pastels. At first I felt as if I was coloring with my kid's crayons, but I have stuck with it and am on the verge of creating what I would consider art (something which would give me pleasure to hang on my own walls). But I have frozen, I don't know how to go forward without wrecking the potential.

This is the metaphor for my life right now; on the verge and afraid to go forward-what if the reality doesn't live up to expectations, what if I really suck at this? What if I never try-that would be the worst. This is a piece of art I will finish (both the pastel and our homestead attempt), even if it is not a magnificent piece of art -it is me trying and not giving up.

Some of my previous art-currently gracing the walls of our home:







In other news: we may be land owners next week!! Now I can START to think about calling the real estate agent, well driller, and the building contractor. I also let the bunnies have a 'date'. We should have a litter of Florida Whites in 30 days. The female got very fat over the winter-I guess the girls were doing a very good job in feeding her. A fat bunny doesn't usually have sizable litters-hmm we will see what happens. I figure her litter will be about 6 weeks old when school gets out for the summer and we move to the camper on the land, they should be able to handle the stress of a move at that age. Spring is here-I'm just not quite ready for it.

Plant Sex

No one guessed what the pictures in the previous post were...plant porn. Electron microscope photos of pollen enhanced with color. Once giftmas (oops christmas) is history-I will break out my old paints and see if they are all dried up or still usable! It's been years.

A helpful radio announcer reminded me that there is only 20 days until gift..christmas, I better order gifts for the girls. They have been circling and cutting out pictures from the catalogs we receive for months! Everyone else is covered, I think.

I have been working out 3-4 days per week. I feel great. The scale is not moving much (5#) but my blue jeans are much looser-as in I can pull them off without unbuttoning. Its something, I'll take it 5# at a time.

The land contract on our 20 acres is going forward. We will buy outright 4 acres plus the 33x800ft driveway, and write a contract with Mr Nice Farmer for the rest. The surveying will happen next week -to the tune of $1,000 ouch! The builder we will use is available for next summer. We will get together with him sometime in january to go over our scribbled plans.

I need to work on a post for tomorrow's Homemakers Who Work. I think I will talk about my personal hero the FlyLady...interested...come visit us there.

*WARNING_GRATUITOUS KID PICTURES*
(i don't think I posted these from this summer)


Erin before her first class--she's crazy nervous but it doesn't show


Lizzy on Beljit with trainer Liz Rice-Beula

This weekend i participated in an Alternative Holiday market at the Universalist Unitarian Church. A group called the Simple Sustainable Living Network (SSLN) meets at he church and hosts the market. ArkWorks Farm had a table at the market and Dad-looking for a little moral support-invited me to market my primitive wood crafts there as well. Making these wooden signs has been a bit of a hobby over the past year-not technically challenging or particularly creative but they keep my fingers in the paint pot so to speak. All proceeds were to go to the local Women's Community Center-except I had no proceeds! A lot of looking but no buying. I am not crushed! Now I have plenty of christmas gifts to give away! I was happy with my quality of work, etc and it was fun to get out of my little world. Dad sold a few chickens and made alot of new contacts and reconnected with many old teacher colleagues. We were tabled right next to the farmer we buy our grass fed beef from and what a great guy-very serious about his cattle and improving the his land. There may be a possibility of working with him in the future.

It was really important for me to get out of myself this weekend, i realized how self involved I have become-work, land, plans, family. Nothing else-nada. I need to get out more, raise my horizons. I really miss the SSLN people-we have not been meeting because everything had fallen to the 2 founders with no one else willing to take up the reins. Perhaps I can... I also missed the UU church -last winter I went to a few services and I think I will go back for more this winter.

Other fun things-I continue to wrestle with my career-I am so blessed to be able to be in a position to DECIDE how to make a living. Specialize or generalize. One of the reason I am balking at the direction of specialization and increased standards of care is I am not comfortable with an increased level of responsibility, I am afraid of being held to a higher standard and found inadequate. I am smart but not brilliant, I am a good veterinarian but not great-my strengths are empathy and compassion not logic. That is why I am afraid of the direction our clinic is headed-but perhaps my strengthss will be needed even more now.

I found these pictures in the recent National Geographic magazine (thanks Mom!)




They really stirred the artist in me. I may have to break out the acrylics again. I haven't felt the tug to paint in a long time but the color and shapes did something to me that I won't ignore. Do you know what they are?? I'll tell you next time!

Plans for tomorrow

I feel as though I have reconnected with old friends. I have been away from the computer for awhile but you guys are still here doing these great things, thoughtful commentary on our world, our culture and planning for spring. I can feel the warm sun and smell the dirt right off the monitor. It's good to be back! Tomorrow is my day off work and I am trying to group my thoughts and plans together. I want to try out this 5min no knead bread i have been hearing about-my family is pretty sick of my bread machine stuff! Drop off tax stuff to accountant. Continue to work on cleaning basement- my oldest's birthday is coming up and she is planning a sleepover party. I thought I would give the girls the basement-move the TV down there so they can watch a DVD and maybe use the craft area to made bracelets or something. So that means I/we need to transform my dumping ground into a happy space!

I am feeling a need to create art, so that will be on my list as well. Oh yes -grocery shop and meal plan for next week. We are supposed to get 4-8 inches of snow sometime tomorrow, I am hoping it holds off until later in the day.

As far as the yardstead goes....I talked to some one at the village about rules and regulations-well most certainly no poultry in the village! (I am even supposed to licence the rabbits! LOL! I'm breaking the law already) I wonder if I can convince anyone that a pygmy goat is a 'customary' pet, they are certainly less of a nuisance than an outside dog barking incessantly.

I am finding myself looking at parts of my yard, thinking grape vines here? Where do the raspberries go? How hard will it be to tear out these bushes and plant blueberries? I think part of my problem is that in a yard my failures will be very visible, but so will my successes. I am boldly going where I have never gone before! Thanks for being there ya'll.

Catch up time

It has been a long time since my last post! There have been alot of things going on--mostly between my ears :) I have been working out 5-6 days a week and it is both depressing and empowering. Depressing because at one point in my life I had lost nearly 50 lb and was lifting weights like a fiend-to the point where I was considering entering an amateur body-building contest. Now here i am again-nearly 40 with 50+ lbs to loose-but now with 2 kids, a business and a husband to care for ( he thinks he is self sufficient but he is not --haha). Empowering because I AM doing it. It is very hard to care for myself before others but I am getting the hang of it.

Working out has really helped me to stay in the moment, I suffer from anxiety attacks sometimes-when every thing seems so out of control. I have come to realize that these episodes of anxiety are the result of getting out of the moment-obsessing about next weeks or months work schedule, or thinking about ALL the things I should do around the house-instead of thinking about what I need to do TODAY. It really takes a concentrated effort to pull back once the anxiety cycle starts but a good session on the treadmill helps alot, its a walking (and running) meditation.

We had let the land search cool off and I think some time was what we really needed. Looking at some of these pieces of land helped us to define what it is we are looking for. I think we will wait for spring and offer to buy the property next to my Dad's place-it is not for sale now but it sounds like she is considering a move. I would like to be close to my family and DH is good with that as well. We would be able to help each other-him with kids getting off the bus and we can help him as he gets older. This is a significant departure from our original ideal of building an off grid home, but instead we can consider a remodel and it has a large barn and several outbuildings !! I am at peace with this idea -it feels right.

We are taking delivery of 1/2 grass fed beef in a week or two --i am excited about beef! Sorry Dad-we love your chickens but now we are ready to mix it up a little! We also have our garage as weatherproofed as we can get it and DH is wood working again-it is good to see him happy and not bored in front of the tube! The home made christmas gift workshop is up and running again! I'll post a few pictures after christmas -sorry family no peeking!

On a sad note my worms have passed on to the big bin in the sky! We had hundreds of fruit flies in our house and they were breeding in the bins-so the bins were put outside to freeze. Maybe the worm eggs will survive until spring. ??

Thanks for reading and stay warm out there! K

As I am 'waking', my creative side has been begging for an outlet. I think it started last winter and has been building from that point. My husband and I have joined forces and he is building bird houses and squirrel feeders with 'scrap' lumber from his work and I get to stain/paint/etc-it is good to have a joint project! K