grim

Sort of a disjointed rambling kind of post. I have been lurking around the bloggosphere for the last couple weeks-lots of ideas in my head and im gonna purge it out today!

I'm not sure when I became so grim. I have always been on the serious side: a hard working, eye on the ball kind of gal. But (I think) I used to have fun, be spontaneous and silly and...JOYFUL. I don't remember how to relax and enjoy and just be.

I am either working or avoiding. I may look like I am cuddled on the couch ENJOYing a good read, but I am really AVOIDing something I feel I should be doing. Since I have decided only I am responsible for my life's story and am acting on that belief in other parts of my life- -this too needs to change. Strive for balance-spend part of my days JOYFULLY embracing my family's needs -dishes, homework help, groceries, etc but then also take care of my own needs; I need to laugh, I need to create art, I need to be able to relax in my own skin. I have a literally never-ending list of shoulds in my head, to find peace and joy I need to push them out the door. I am always telling my 8 yr old that she can choose her attitude -sounds like good advise for me too!

Talking to one of my employees yesterday, I said something like 'i could go home and sleep for a week!' She looked at me and said well why don't you? you never take a vacation. Hmmm why don't I? because i only work 3 days a week -isnt that vacation enough? just to stay home and putter/nap-that doesnt seem valid somehow. asking for help-asking my co-workers to cover for me. sounds like guilt and self worth issues are stopping me, that and $.

I need to stop listening to the news on the radio--recession, national debt, unemployment, economic collapse, gloom and doom. Then add working with clients every day with sick pets and no money; we are broke, please fix fido, we have $100 to pay you but then we can't buy groceries for the kids. No wonder I am getting burned out! I am getting mean -not like sadistic mean, but stingy and miserly mean- the opposite of abundant.

Unless you have balance like a ninja, dont go snowshoeing in 3 foot drifts with out a walking stick! I took a day off work today (yay me!) and went out for a snow day! We have all this beautiful snow (maybe another 6 inches yesterday?). The long grass in the slough creates the most wonderful drifts. Unfortunately I am not a ninja, and down I went-flat on my back shoes wedged under the snow crust, no walking stick. I flopped around, not able to use my arms to get up through the deep snow, finally I had to unstrap the shoes to get up. Not a pretty moment. But I am smiling now!

Blizzard

Our first real winter weather. A much different experience than in town. The little tractor just was not up to the task of a 900 ft driveway drifted shut with waist high drifts, thank goodness for neighbors with heavy equipment. :)

Swimming in Stuff

Good News:Our house in town has a renter for the next 6 months. What a relief! They can pay the heat bill and worry about shoveling, and oh yes pay a large chunk of the mortgage. Bad News: she is moving in this weekend. We spent all of last weekend sorting and moving the dregs of our household. The stuff we CAN live without but somehow have decided that we need anyway. Our little house is not prepared to store so much detritus. But it is done, all that remains is to spend one day this week boxing the few remaining things to charity and pictures from the walls, clean up after myself and be sure the appliances still work, whew!
Then I will start holiday preparations! January will be tax stuff and figuring out how to deal with the boxes of stuff lining the walls in my house. I can't wait for February!
Other stuff...the hens are up to 5 eggs a day, leghorns started first, now the rhode island reds are joining in. The coop is pretty cozy they seem to do well with no heat source even when it is 5 degrees overnight.

I will never win mother of the year

but I think I do a pretty good job. However, I am worried about my youngest. She is 8; smart and charismatic with a very warm, cuddly, happy to please personality 98% of the time. The other 2%...she is angry, in rage even. Stomping around and nothing is right, complete refusal to do something mundane-like brushing teeth even in the face of a punishment -loss of computer time, etc. It then ramps up to 'i'm stupid, no-one cares about me, you're mean, you hate me, i hate me, i wish I were dead', she even accused me once of wanting to kill her! These episodes are usually triggered by homework help, bed times or a rushed getting ready for school, but I hate to say it -these are just about the only times we are actually requiring something of her.

She is an extrovert living in a household of introverts and I feel like I cannot give her the warmth that she wants...(NEEDS?). The other part of me really resents being manipulated by this behavior. Do I try to be something I am not? Can I meet the needs of this 'needy' child, or do I let her find her own way to meet her needs?
I am feeling sad and guilty.