I Did the Deed

Yesterday I did it. Really, really did it. No going back. No someday. It's now. I handed in my resignation letter. Part of me wants to do the happy dance and shout out loud, but another part of me feels bad for 'jumping ship'. I find my self mentally saying goodbye to many of my favorite clients-wanting to give them big hugs and thank them for allowing me to care for their beloved pets.
I have shared my story with a few people outside my immediate family, it has been so rewarding to hear their enthusiasm. One friend, who taught art lessons for my Mom and myself told me 'this is the BEST thing I have heard all week!'
I have suddenly been released from the inertia of all the drama in my life lately, and I've got work to do! Tomorrow I will 1) stain trim for the house -needs to be done before we can make the move from construction loan to mortgage, 2) meet with the USDA grazier for our county -before the federal govt shutdown :) 3) start garden seeds -i know seems late but we can have frosts into June here. 4) order chickens -no wine before-hand this year, damn it, it is a business after all!


Goodbye Winter...






Hello Spring,




and Mud Season

The Answer..

...to my little riddle is that I did it, made one of those big decisions. Borrowing this quote from Judy's blog (fullfreezer)
--Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
-Mahatma Gandhi
I have taken a step towards harmony and happiness. The meeting was with my business partner- I informed her of my desire to sell my share of the practice back to her. I will work my normal schedule until school gets out-then I QUIT.

I began this blog when I realized I wanted something more (actually less) from my life. Less hurry-more meaning, less junk food-more slow food, less debt-more time.

For the past three years I have been a dichotomy, living in two worlds, bread earner- bread maker, business owner- TEOTWAWKI-er (that's not a word but you understand!), six figure income- goodwill shopper, suburban during the week- country by weekend. No wonder I'm nuts lol.

We took a step in the right direction by moving out of town onto our 20 acres of grass. But a house in the country is just a bigger lawn and a longer commute! Now what? Our goals center around two themes: 1) to spend more time -good time- with the girls, to shape and teach them in a positive way 2)to become more self reliant as a household, both from a food and energy standpoint but also income. We wish to build this 20 acres of grass into a thriving pasture based farm, not only producing food for us but an income to see us into 'retirement'. I had posted once about 'when i retire' and this farm is our retirement package.

One of us needs to be at home -to be here for the girls and to be the farm person. We went back and forth but it came down to biology and health insurance. I could embrace the business and its income to become the 60 hrs per week single bread-earner while DH nurtures the farm and the kids. He has the organizational skills and the muscle for farm and running the affairs of house and home. But it didn't feel right to either of us-I was freaked out and trapped by the idea of being the sole income earner and DH was not comfortable with the nurture role and chauffeuring girls to extracurricular activities.

We then 'tried on' the gender roles of male income earner and stay at home/farm mom. In addition to making sense on a number of practical levels, it 'felt' right. I can sell my % of the practice and pay off a number of large bills (student loan, vehicle)to make the income drop tight but do-able and have capital to invest in our retirement/farm. I still have in-demand skills as a DVM for relief or other part-time work if we need the income, whereas DH's income from the manufacturing sector is not so portable. He also has insurance benefits. I priced out very basic, very high deductible health insurance at $800 per month for our family. We have fallen back to genetic programming but that's okay with me, nature is too big to fight with!

I am a little worried about my body holding up to the rigors of farming. I am 40. I am overweight. I have carpal tunnel and a crunchy knee. Self sufficiency is about being responsible for yourself. I am high with the idea that my life is MINE to shape as i wish now -no shoulda's or oughta's. From here on out it's in my hands. My health is no different, time to take responsibility for that too.



Some fall pictures of our grass

Next Post: the winter coop (or my first attempt at building something with power tools)

Role Reversal

My DH and I have been wrestling with 'a big life changing event', yep another one :) Our farm/homestead/home business goals will/are require time and considerable effort. For this to have a chance we feel one of us needs to be working at home. Home to be the primary child caregiver, chauffeur, etc. Home to be the household manager, bookkeeper, etc. Home to be the chicken/turkey/(beef/goat?) wrangler. We have tried DH working full time and me working 50% with only partial success. Being a small business owner/partner-I find work encroaching on those days off-filling in for emergencies, fielding questions from staff/clients; my days off are never a sure thing. We are both professionals and good at our work; DH is finding his job frustrating and unfufilling, while I have days of intense pleasure (they PAY me to do this?!) alternating with the dread (I can't fix this pet, too many people want too many things from me)of high responsibility and caretakers fatigue.
We are both finding ourselves stressed out because we cannot do a satisfactory job at either our home or office jobs, and feel that the solution is for one of us to be the income earner and the other to be the home and farm manager. The original assumption was for me to stay home and Tom to work. We are each inclined to fulfill our 'gender roles'; he as income producer and I as caregiver. This would mean me selling my portion of the business to my partner and thereby having a nice but not earth-shattering amount of cash. We could pay off my student loan, buy a tractor and put the rest into a college fund. Nice, right? I have been sitting with this idea for a while and it makes me selfishly very happy but hearing voices. Voices that wonder about selling a business which is profitable even in this economy, that wonder about the stability and longevity of DH's employers. The projects we have at home now require a skill set that are not my strong points -carpentry, post holes, fencing-and oh yeah-organization!
So, as much as it makes me want to kick my feet and have a tantrum :) I need to explore what happens if I work full time and DH stays home. It means no cash to buy a tractor or finish the workshop. We will need to come up with 2/3 of the workshop's price tag by next June to fulfill our construction loan (could work with tough budgeting -or a SOLD house!) I have a lot of untapped earning potential and money wise it might cash flow for us. We need to find health insurance since DH's employer carries that. What else...is Tom willing to do dr and dentist and orthodontist and lessons. Is he willing to pay bills, to return library books and go grocery shopping? Is he okay with being Mr Mom? Am I okay with the responsibility of being the sole bread winner-scary!
As I think things through I am excited by having energy to put into the clinic. I am pulled in too many directions now and have been a jack of all trades, master of none lately. We have so many great things about our clinic-if I can take control of our/my direction instead of being the passive receiver of what comes my way...
I am so thankful to have this outlet for my internal dialogue. I am at peace with this option if some of the details can be worked out. It is not what the selfish child in me desires, but the thoughtful adult looking out for the needs of her entire family (herself not the least of all).

not working

I have a post today at HWW about not working, for wages at least. I am so lucky to be in a position where I can make that choice and not have it made FOR me. I certainly cannot quit working for a paycheck altogether, but we are seeing the results of many years of frugality and hard work. We are NOT debt free by a long shot. It is certainly something to strive for, but if I make that a prerequisite for getting off the ol' rat race...well, I can't wait that long.

I have been thinking alot about jobs and personal economy. When did it become mandatory for a person to earn dollars in order to survive? Then families needed TWO income streams to make it. Maybe I have just read too many Little House books. I have also been reading Pop's 5 Rules (one of which is Don't Specialize). When did I become so specialized that I need to pay someone in order to feed and clothe myself, get water and heat for myself, to entertain myself. Am I really so helpless? By specializing I am betting my success on those skills being in demand- if no one requires my skills- well, tough luck. What if someone needs your skills but doesn't have the dollars to pay you. When did our self worth get so wrapped up in dollars? What if I/we could develop my/our skills to a point where we don't require so many dollars to buy the things we need? Notice I said NEED not WANT. Wouldn't thant be something to be able to take your dentist a couple gallons of maple syrup in exchange for a procedure or barter the IRS man twenty chickens to pay the property taxes.

This weekend i participated in an Alternative Holiday market at the Universalist Unitarian Church. A group called the Simple Sustainable Living Network (SSLN) meets at he church and hosts the market. ArkWorks Farm had a table at the market and Dad-looking for a little moral support-invited me to market my primitive wood crafts there as well. Making these wooden signs has been a bit of a hobby over the past year-not technically challenging or particularly creative but they keep my fingers in the paint pot so to speak. All proceeds were to go to the local Women's Community Center-except I had no proceeds! A lot of looking but no buying. I am not crushed! Now I have plenty of christmas gifts to give away! I was happy with my quality of work, etc and it was fun to get out of my little world. Dad sold a few chickens and made alot of new contacts and reconnected with many old teacher colleagues. We were tabled right next to the farmer we buy our grass fed beef from and what a great guy-very serious about his cattle and improving the his land. There may be a possibility of working with him in the future.

It was really important for me to get out of myself this weekend, i realized how self involved I have become-work, land, plans, family. Nothing else-nada. I need to get out more, raise my horizons. I really miss the SSLN people-we have not been meeting because everything had fallen to the 2 founders with no one else willing to take up the reins. Perhaps I can... I also missed the UU church -last winter I went to a few services and I think I will go back for more this winter.

Other fun things-I continue to wrestle with my career-I am so blessed to be able to be in a position to DECIDE how to make a living. Specialize or generalize. One of the reason I am balking at the direction of specialization and increased standards of care is I am not comfortable with an increased level of responsibility, I am afraid of being held to a higher standard and found inadequate. I am smart but not brilliant, I am a good veterinarian but not great-my strengths are empathy and compassion not logic. That is why I am afraid of the direction our clinic is headed-but perhaps my strengthss will be needed even more now.

I found these pictures in the recent National Geographic magazine (thanks Mom!)




They really stirred the artist in me. I may have to break out the acrylics again. I haven't felt the tug to paint in a long time but the color and shapes did something to me that I won't ignore. Do you know what they are?? I'll tell you next time!

Specialist or Generalist?

So I'm a bit of a doomer. These days if you haven't had an uneasy feeling about the future you must be completely sleepwalking through life-eyes wide shut. I have been waking up to the fact that the status-quo will change, has to change as we run out of cheap energy, as sea levels rise and human migration occurs. I have no idea when any of this will happen or how; will it be slow and orderly or an apocalyptic four horsemen type ordeal? I have written before about adapting being the key to making the best of changes/surviving an apocalypse. This is the background coloring my general take on the future -yeah, cheery.
I am approaching a crossroad in my career where I need to decide -specialist or generalist. Our clinic has been changing alot over the past year, the level of care has gone up, we are providing really quality medicine and looking to push our selves further-with the purchase of an ultrasound-Doppler flow so our ACVIM DVM can start doing cardiology consults along with standard abdominal US. I have to admit to coasting a bit in the last two years- I have not been burned out and not very focused on my career. If I wish to perform at MY self-expected level within this practice I have some work to do, focused continuing education, a big backlog of journals to digest- I have NO wish to be the practice owner who is years behind, medically speaking. Part of me is excited by this prospect-we have a great group of veterinarians and clients who would appreciate this level of care for their beloved babies. This is the route the industry tells us a 'healthy practice' should strive for; specialization and a high standard of care (along with a healthy bottom line).

But the flip side is that I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable about where we are headed. We can do X for your dog, it but should we? Human health care costs have spiraled so high, and I can see similar things happening to veterinary care (but minus the insurance issues!). I am legally obligated to inform a client about the 'standard of care' for a particular issue. With the advent of the Internet the standard of care for Smallsville Wisconsin is the same as that in the most affluent Manhattan neighborhood. I can't bear to see my clients wrestle with the idea that the best option for their pet's condition is a procedure or medication which is so far out of their reach financially, I can't bear to see them feel like a failure because they cannot afford the best care or even the second best care. But it has to be offered. Period. Even to little old ladies with rusted out barely running cars, who are already supporting their unemployed daughter in FL and has a diabetic 14 yr old cat who really needs a dental (sorry, she is one of my clients!)

With our (planned) move to our (planned) homestead next summer, I have the opportunity to re-think my career. Perhaps I should become a generalist. Instead of investing my time into brushing up on cutting edge small animal medicine, I should learn (or should I say re-learn) about beef cows, small ruminants, and chickens. Will the need shift away from animals as surrogate children and back to animals as tools for survival with-in my working lifetime? Will pharmaceuticals be available at a reasonable price for animals? Should I concentrate on husbandry -not letting them get sick in the first place-will people be willing to pay $ (or firewood) for that? Should I learn to be a veterinary herbalist and grow my own medicine. This is where I am leaning, it scares the crap out of me, honestly.

Thanks for reading my rambling-I need to put thoughts into words and paragraphs to see how they hit my 'gut'. In writing this out I can see where my heart is taking me. Now to figure out how to make it work and still pay the bills.
Kris

PS-Mr Nice Farmer is interested in pursuing the land contract (maybe he needs the money just a little bit more than he let on). We would buy outright the easement and the building site (maybe 4 acres?) and write a contract for the rest. That will make the bank happy, and me too!