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Thursday, February 26, 2009

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I need a good rant so anyone who thinks I am this smart-have-it all-figured-out sort of person needs to get out now.



I am really good at stuffing my feelings down so nothing shows, sometimes so deep that even I can't tell what is going on. This decision to stay in town has really shaken me. From a rational point of view it makes sense, but my visceral reaction is despair and anger. Why is MY dream last! I don't WANT to wait 12 more years before having this chance. On the surface I am all calm and accepting but underneath when I loosen the lid a little to take a peak underneath I am PISSED. Mad at myself for not having the courage to take a chance. Yes the whole doing it for the kids educational and social well-being is a fine rationalization, a fine excuse-I'll just take one for the team-right? Allowing work and responsibility to come before dreams. I have this ache within myself I need to acknowledge. I may not act on it, but I DO need to acknowledge its existence.



I can stay here and be a 'Yardsteader' but I will always wonder if I copped out.





I'll finish with a quote which I love from the Lord of the Rings - the character Eowyn "a cage: to stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire"

8 comments:

MeadowLark said...

And will you be the first mother to choose her children over herself?

Or the last?

It doesn't change it, make it easier, or make it go away.

It just IS.

fullfreezer said...

I SO understand where you are coming from. There were several 'nearly perfect' places that we passed up because it would have meant pulling the kids out of the school district into one of the rural ones. It hurts to put off that dream- I've been doing it for the past several years. Keep looking- maybe something will open up on the edge of town that will keep the kids in the same district. Don't give up- you're just on temporary hold.
Judy

Ruralrose said...

My heart goes out to you - your real life it calling - shouting even - i pulled my kid from school - i have to drive 45 minutes to get groceries - i haven't been to a job for 10 years now - i don't eat out - i don't have many friends here - my house is not fancy - my housework is never done - my clothes are never immaculate - i don't travel - i worry about money still

but

my kid thrives on homeschooling the level of education is exceptionally high, he is so happy and productive and feels in charge of his destiny - he teaches me - nature teaches us

my husband and i are a team without pretense - we both do what we do to the best of our abilities - we have time for each other - we plan our dreams everyday - holding hands loving each other fighting to be free each day we are

i am me - no pretense, i love my dirt, my plants, my critters, each day i go from chore to chore with total appreciation that i survive on the earth by my own labor, my own hands and not by the hands of another

don't give up, some things take time to come together, knowing what you want and expressing it - even having a tantrum - gets you closer -

you have to give up - you have to give up keeping up with the jones, the dream vacations, the new lipstick, pleasing other people -

do these things first, then when the time comes, and it will, you will be completely ready for the transformation -

you are building your caccoon now, practice your skills and dream

dreams do come true, freedom is possible

peace

ChristyACB said...

Only you and your family can decide what is right and which sacrifice is the one to make. It is surely hard.

Ranting to us is okay too, though. We're all entitled!

But MeadowLark is right in that you are one among a great many Moms who made sacrifices.

I'll be yardsteading right here too. We can commiserate together. :)

hickchick said...

Thanks for the support. Sometimes I'm such a repressed Norweigan! It's good to have an outlet ya know?
Meadow-ever practical no hysterics I'll get a grip
Judy-your land dream is coming true now -mine is just on the back burner not gone!
Rural Rose- what can i say? thanks for the beautiful words.
Christy-keep up the beautiful raised beds, your blog inspired me!

livinginalocalzone said...

There is no copout - it is a matter of what you can do at the time, and how you can structure your dreams with that. What is "right" is right in the moment, and we never know what the next moment will be. As Judy said, it is a hold, not a "check out". Keep dreaming, it'll happen. I really do believe it for you. Might not be what you'd think, but things do turn out. Positive thoughts for you from me....

MeadowLark said...

I wanted to say I'm sorry for sounding like such a bitch. I was having one of those "yeah... me too and now look where I am" moments.

I do hope (and actually believe) that things will work out eventually. You have so much ahead of you and it's not like it's "too late" like for some of us. Hang in there.

And again, sorry for being miss "doom and gloom".

Robbyn said...

The cool part is that now that your family has defined what you all ultimately want, things do have a way of presenting themselves (opportunities!) that may otherwise not have been spotted...don't know if that'll get you to the land quicker, but you'll have a LOT of expertise and experimenting (like what we're doing right now) in a sense building the foundation. Oh well...I know that doesnt help with the frustration, though! I'm feelin' your pain! :) Hang in there :) :)