I need a good rant so anyone who thinks I am this smart-have-it all-figured-out sort of person needs to get out now.
I am really good at stuffing my feelings down so nothing shows, sometimes so deep that even I can't tell what is going on. This decision to stay in town has really shaken me. From a rational point of view it makes sense, but my visceral reaction is despair and anger. Why is MY dream last! I don't WANT to wait 12 more years before having this chance. On the surface I am all calm and accepting but underneath when I loosen the lid a little to take a peak underneath I am PISSED. Mad at myself for not having the courage to take a chance. Yes the whole doing it for the kids educational and social well-being is a fine rationalization, a fine excuse-I'll just take one for the team-right? Allowing work and responsibility to come before dreams. I have this ache within myself I need to acknowledge. I may not act on it, but I DO need to acknowledge its existence.
I can stay here and be a 'Yardsteader' but I will always wonder if I copped out.
I'll finish with a quote which I love from the Lord of the Rings - the character Eowyn "a cage: to stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire"